Mostest Weirdest Bible Stories: No. 8

Coming at number 8 is a story that makes me laugh. It is one that is so odd, you just have to laugh. It is the story of when the left handed man Ehud, sticks a sword in King Eglon, who is as fat as the Kool Aid man. I've also enjoyed this story because I am left handed, and guys that were left handed in the Old Testament usually wore a helmet and rode the short bus to the tabernacle. Here is the story given to us in Judges:

But when the sons of Israel cried to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer for them, Ehud the son of Gera, the Benjamite, a left-handed man. And the sons of Israel sent tribute by him to Eglon the king of Moab.

Ehud made himself a sword which had two edges, a cubit in length, and he bound it on his right thigh under his cloak.

He presented the tribute to Eglon king of Moab. Now Eglon was a very fat man.

It came about when he had finished presenting the tribute, that he sent away the people who had carried the tribute.

But he himself turned back from the idols which were at Gilgal, and said, “I have a secret message for you, O king.” And he said, “Keep silence.” And all who attended him left him.

Ehud came to him while he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, “I have a message from God for you.” And he arose from his seat.

Ehud stretched out his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh and thrust it into his belly.

The handle also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly; and the refuse came out.

Then Ehud went out into the vestibule and shut the doors of the roof chamber behind him, and locked them.

When he had gone out, his servants came and looked, and behold, the doors of the roof chamber were locked; and they said, “He is only relieving himself in the cool room.”

They waited until they became anxious; but behold, he did not open the doors of the roof chamber. Therefore they took the key and opened them, and behold, their master had fallen to the floor dead.

Now Ehud escaped while they were delaying, and he passed by the idols and escaped to Seirah.

It came about when he had arrived, that he blew the trumpet in the hill country of Ephraim; and the sons of Israel went down with him from the hill country, and he was in front of them.

He said to them, “Pursue them, for the Lord has given your enemies the Moabites into your hands.” So they went down after him and seized the fords of the Jordan opposite Moab, and did not allow anyone to cross.

They struck down at that time about ten thousand Moabites, all robust and valiant men; and no one escaped.

So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land was undisturbed for eighty years.

Judges 3:15-30

The story is in the great book of Judges, where Israel acts like they are skitzophrenic with short attention spans. They are like the old "Aggie" joke that my dad told me when I was in elementary school: (you can substitute "aggie" for "blonde" if you wish. Anyone from Texas or Oklahoma knows what an Aggie is...)

One Aggie's car's blinker goes out so he replaces it. After replacing it, he gets one of his Aggie buddies to make sure it works. So, he turns on the blinker and asks, "Is it working?" To which the friend responds, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

This is Israel in the book of Judges. It is like asking them, "Do you love and worship God?" To which they respond, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

The story of King Eglon takes over Israel as God allows him to rule over Israel and fulfill his will and desire to punish Israel through having Eglon live out his sinful desires. One of the first things that we find out about Eglon, which is just funny to see, is that, "Eglon was a very fat man." This actually plays out as key to the story as later, when Ehud decides to surprise attack Eglon. Eglon's fat engulfs the sword (which was probably more of a dagger) and his insides start to simply ooze out all over the place. If this isn't enough, this might have happened while Eglon was on the toilet. The reason is that when Ehud leaves, the attendants stay outside and wait for the fat king to "finish up." They assume this huge king is taking a crap and must be taking his time as he was in the "cool room."

So the story plays out that Ehud, the slow kid, tricks fatty Mcfat pants while he is on the toilet by pulling out a dagger and thrusting it into his belly. Which is so large it swallows up the dagger like it's at an all you can eat buffet, with sword being on the menu. As his insides are flowing out of him, Ehud somehow keeps from laughing, and calmly leaves the premises and escapes. All the while, the attendants are waiting for the king to finish up in the cool room (which must have happened a lot, because they weren't surprised by this long wait) and having to talk about who knows what, "How about dem Bears?" Finally, they go inside and find the fat king barreled over with his insides all over the place.

So, What Do We Learn About God's Glory in King McFatty?

We first see that God is indeed control at all times, and God is hilarious. He allows King Eglon to rule over Israel, only because it is the will of God and the sinful desire of the King. He does this to discipline his children from their idolatry and sinfulness. They are then sent a saviour in Ehud who redeems Israel from this foreign king to the right establishment of God as their king and Ehud as their judge.

This story, and others like it in Judges, shows the need for Jesus, the perfect Judge. Ehud could only come and rule the people from the outside, and himself was imperfect. When Jesus came, he rescued his people for all eternity and instead of ruling from the outside looking in, He sent his spirit to rule within their hearts. Not only this, but when we sin, we do not get wrath, but we get forgiveness because of Christ. This doesn't mean that we don't get disciplined sometimes, but Eglon, as with all the stories of wrath in Judges, are a picture of hell. We don't receive hell, but we receive the grace of God found in the cross and resurrection of Jesus.

This story, like all the Old Testament is a shadow of the greater person to come. The greater Ehud has come, to deliver us from the greatest Eglon, which is hell. But, both had to come because of one thing: our sin.

Like Israel, we are sinners and continue to sin. We, like Israel, are like the Aggie who continues to say, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" and if it wasn't for the perfect Saviour who came to mediate and redeem us, we would be judged for eternity by hell and Satan defeating us.

But God shows his love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. If this was in Judges, it would be like saying, "But God shows his love towards Israel, in that while they continued to sin and turn their backs against God, he saved them and redeemed them through a judge. "

Thanks be to the greater Ehud, Jesus Christ, for redeeming us from the even fatter king of this world, the devil.

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Mostest Weirdest Bible Stories: No. 9

Coming in at number 9 is a story very familiar with most of us. I have to include it, because it is really odd. I will say that it is only at number 9 because it is so well known. If it wasn’t its own book and if Christ had not mentioned it in the New Testament, it might be a little less known and a little more shocking for its weirdness.

It’s Jonah being swallowed by the great fish.

Most know the story, and that is probably the only reason we don’t turn our head at it like a bad accident on the freeway. But, let me repeat. There is a story where a dude gets swallowed by a big fish, lives in the fish’s belly for three days and three nights, while in the fish, has time to contemplate his sin, prays to God while sitting in a stomach filled with who knows what, and then gets thrown up on the beach. Seriously. Again, if it wasn’t in all our children’s Bible’s with nice pictures of Jonah having a great time in the belly, with a ton of room to move around in, we would honestly scratch our heads a little more at this one.

There is much mystery in how this could possibly be true, but the fact is, it happened. Not only was it put forth as being from the mouth of God in the Old Testament to the Jewish faith, but Jesus uses it as an analogy of how he will be in the belly of the earth, as Jonah was in the belly of the whale. Jesus is the greater Jonah
(Matthew 12:40; Luke 11:32).

I’ll give a quick synopsis of the story and then try and show why we are to still preach the story today to show off the glory of God.

A prophet of God, named Jonah, which ironically means “dove” in the Hebrew, that would connotate peace and reconciliation, is called to go to the worst of the nations, the Ninevites. When thinking of those in Ninevah, think of the people you hate the most, that you find the most repulsive. For a lot of people today, this would be homosexuals, prostitutes, terrorists, transvestites, bums, rapists, and Republicans. Jonah, the dove, refuses to extend an olive branch and preach redemption to Ninevah and instead flees to Tarshish. God, who controls everything, decides (remember this is a synopsis, so don’t get caught up in me skipping a lot of details) that His Dove started to fly the wrong way and it says that God “appointed a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the stomach of the fish three days and three nights.” After Jonah repents, and remembers that he is a dove instead of a chicken, God humorously has the huge fish vomit him up on a beach. Jonah then goes (note: probably a long walk and he has been in a belly where decomposing fish and other sea life are. This is probably to give Jonah insight of what it means to be repulsive) to the Republicans, I mean Ninevites, and preaches redemption. Ninevah repents and is saved from the wrath of God. Jonah gets pissed that God showed mercy, like any good Pharisee would, and we never learn that happens in the end in regards to Jonah.

But, the best part is that God has the last word and simply asks, “Should I not have compassion on Ninevah…?”

If you’ve only read the book of Jonah while seeing it in an illustrated kid’s Bible, I would recommend you put on big boy pants, stop playing video games, put down the popsicle and read the Bible without pictures. The reason is that many truths are found in this short book of 4 chapters.

We see in the book of Jonah:

- God’s ultimate sovereignty
- God’s desire for all nations and all peoples to be saved
- God’s humor
- Man’s responsibility
- Reconciliation
- God’s grace
- God’s mercy
- God’s love for his enemies
- A shadow of the greater Prophet and Redeemer; Jesus

I have had heard some of the worst preaching points on this short book. I have heard that this book is about obeying God. I have actually had conversations, err…arguments, over this. This book is NOT about obeying God. Preachers love to use this book as an illustration of:

Don’t be like Jonah or bad things happen and God doesn’t love you. But, if obey God and do what he says, God is pleased and you are showing your sanctification.

There is a word for this kind of preaching and teaching. Paul uses this same word in Philippians 3:8 and I’ll let you translate the term how you want. But, this preaching is “skubalon”. What we need to glean from this Old Testament story, is the truth of God’s revelation, both in narrative and normative formats, that God has a plan of redemption for all peoples through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for His glory. This story isn’t about how you shouldn’t be like Jonah. If anyone preaches like this, please run away to save your soul.

What is interesting is that this whole story of Jonah is a parallel to the story of Jesus, the greater Jonah.

As Jonah is called to go from his home and preach reconciliation to the sinners, but first must go into the belly of the whale for three days and three nights, so is Jesus.

Jesus, left his home to incarnate himself among the peoples of the earth. Jesus is greater because he does not disobey God, nor does he show resistance, but he gladly chooses to leave his heavenly home and come down to us.

Jesus, unlike Jonah, willingly goes to the cross and death for three days and three nights. Like Jonah, Jesus is resurrected from death. Unlike Jonah, Jesus does it by HIS power, which is the power of God the Father (Acts 2:24-32), God the Son (John 2:19) and God the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:11; 1 Peter 3:18). Meaning, Jesus raises himself by his power, by his willingness.

Like Jonah, Jesus is called to go to the sinner and preach the Gospel for redemption for the glory of God. Unlike Jonah, Jesus loves the sinner and can’t wait for them to repent and come to him. Unlike Jonah, Jesus loves even when one sinner repents, much less 120,000.

As one can see, although the story of Jonah being swallowed by the great fish is an odd one, the truths and foreshadowing found in the story is astonishing. This small book, points to the larger theme of the Bible. The fact that: God redeems to himself a people, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit, for His glory. This story shows what Jesus says to be true in Luke 11:32, that Jesus is the greater Jonah.

“The men of Nineveh will stand up with this generation at the judgment and condemn it, because they repented at the preaching of Jonah; and behold, something greater than Jonah is here.
Luke 11:32

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9 Mostest Weirdest Stories of the Bible

I figured I would change things up some. I have not been able to have fun on the blog in a while as I have been doing a lot of posts and studies on Muslim/Christian relations. Hardly appropriate to drop funny lines when speaking of that topic. But, being that I like to both study the Bible and write humorously, I am trying to figure out why I haven't done this before. If you are new to this blog, I apologize ahead of time on my humor and writing style as I embark on this odd blog series. If you want to get used to what this might look like, I would tell you to take a look at my blog series called, "10 Steps to Become a Legalist." Which, I have to be honest, was one of my favorite blog series I have ever done. And, oddly, a pastor of a pretty large church in Alabama asked to use those blog posts for a sermon series.

My goals for this series are the following:

1. Have some fun and make you laugh. I am what some would call, an equal opportunity basher. I will make fun you at some point in this series. Please laugh. I will make fun of myself probably more. Please pray for my self-deprecating attitude with my idiosyncrasies.

2. Get people excited about the Old Testament. Let's be honest. Most people don't read the Old Testament unless their Sunday School teacher forces them to study through it to prove something. We all know that these teachers are usually monotone, and seem to take pleasure in picking out the most dry passages in the Old Testament and then taking two years going through them. All the while, feeling like he is more righteous because he gleans so much from these passages as you try and keep your head from bobbing while falling asleep. Probably why the Southern Baptists created the "quarter system" for Sunday School.

3. Get people to worship God and his glory through these passages. Most teachers are clueless on what the Old Testament is really about and how it connects with the overall story of God and His glory. The above mentioned baby sitters, I mean "teachers", love to tell you how to make yourself more like David or less like David, depending on the passage. They love to give you a list to follow so your faith can be like David's, or give you a list to follow so you don't murder a woman's husband after you have sex with her because you are a peeping Tom watching her take a bath. What these teachers miss, is that maybe these stories are telling us more about the glory of God, than how we can better ourselves.

So, these are my thoughts on why I want to go through these passages. Why 9? Because 9 is a strange number with no secret biblical code to unlock. At least I haven't found it to be one of yet with the bible code detector ring from my Rob Bell: You too can have faith like Peter's, Wheaties' box.

I also want to include you, the reader, to help me out. What are some weird stories that you have read in the Bible that you have no idea why they are there and have no idea how they would point to the glory of God. Or, are just plain odd and you think are funny. Because lets be honest...funny brings readers. Readers bring comments. Comments bring...well nothing really because I do this stupid blog for free and have never made a penny doing it. But, comments make me feel important, and might get me a Sunday School gig at your local 4th First Baptist Church.

So, either comment here, hit me up on twitter or Facebook or email me what weird stories you would like to see in this countdown of sorts.

Hopefully this will be a great series that will be enjoyable for everyone involved. And, I hope to make fun of you...a lot. But only so you see your weirdness and look more to Jesus.

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